"The Real Me" by Naibar Kahz

Insecure,


Think I'm smart, but not for sure,


Really scared of kissing her.



Fearful, fearful little boy,


Angry cuz you stole my toy.



Racing thoughts, such a mess,


Non-stop anxiety,


Read the Torah to impress,


But no real sense of piety,


I'll never fit in this society.



Smallest kid on the playground,


Angry parents, often frowned.



The coolest kid,

I want to be,


Won't let you know the real me


Happy, fun—don't give a fuck—


That's what I want you to see.



Friends say I own


my sexuality.


Delusion sewn


by a fallacy.



Put up a front; I love that self,


But guilty about my parents wealth,


Forced to make a joke of my mental health,


Take a look at my trophy shelf,


But alone at home, I want to kill myself.



So ashamed/of my past,


Façade of perfection will never last,


Give me the bong, one more blast,


To leave the club, I'm always last.



I pretend I'm an intellectual,


4 yrs.—16 credits—I'm just ineffectual,


I'm only good at being sexual.



Debate, debate, debate, debate...


Fearful and lonely. Is this my fate?







Combating shame,


A war in my head,


Battling pain,


Wish I were dead.



Can't pull the trigger.


Instead, go figure:


In-no-cent casualties


Ian! Ian! Call us please...



You say I'm so hot


I say not


“So pensititve”


Just sensitive



“So mature and put together”


Could rock my ego with a feather


Bipolar thoughts like a ball on a tether


Can't stop this lightning, dark, stormy weather



Call it cognitive dissonance


Emotionally sober, haven't been since...


Caron. Now, I'm back again


Caring? How? Instead of sin?



I have a choice


I hear God's voice


Main Caron to bane Caron


I've come full circle


Pain-bearing to sane sharing


I wanna be a whole circle



Seige the wall of defense


Return to my sense


I wanna be...


The real me.