New Work from Northern State Correctional (Third of 3)

“I Am From”
by Anonymous
Northern State Correctional Facility

I am from a place where excellence is expected where if you fall, 10 people saw it and each have something to say.

From a place where if your parents don’t make a lot, you’re not worth too much

From a place where loyalty is simply a word or a tattoo

I’m from a place where once you’re labeled, it’s almost impossible to shake it.

If that place and didn’t have that silver spoon and longed for anything else to feel as though I mattered

I’m from a place that bored me and sought to find myself elsewhere

To escape the monotony, to escape my labels, to find my other outcasts

I’m from a place that I never felt I belonged and it’s taken me ‘til

Now to realize that where I ran to is simply worse than where I ran from

“Here’s Why I Called”
by Anonymous
Northern State Correctional Facility

Sometimes I find it amazingly difficult to call my family. I came from a family where I am the black sheep. No one in my immediate family has ever been arrested, never mind sentenced to prison. What goes on in here they don’t understand at all. And why should they have to? They expect and assume that the rules of a civilized society can work here and as anyone who’s ever been locked up knows, nothing could be further from the truth. Dealing with argumentative inmates or c/o’s who only want to make life more difficult for us, who wants to hear about that on a 20 min. phone call that costs $2? Why would they want to hear about how their loved one is being treated poorly and fighting against a system stacked against us?
So the “how have you been” question sucks. So I lie 9/10. I tell them I’ve been OK, “just bored” meanwhile I want to rip my hair out. I hear about how people are living their lives, having fun and moving on or about how someone else passed away, is sick or having $ issues. And I’m stuck in here feeling like a bum, missing out and unable to help.

So it’s not always easy to call and go through prompts and entering your inmate# just to talk to a loved one and be reminded you’re being recorded. No being told you’ve only got 1 minute left is painful. But here’s why I called …

I called because I love you. Because I need you. That I want you to know that even at my worst I think of you. I wish I was there and am sorry that I’m not but called just to hear your voice and I want you to know it’s the best 20 minutes I’ll have all day. I love you.

“The Hardest Part”
by Anonymous
Northern State Correctional Facility

The hardest part of making changes to my life is most simply that it’s all I know. My entire live has consisted of the same basic outlines. The places have changed, the people have changed, but I have not. I lie to myself a lot and try to make excuses for why I’m doing the things that I do but the main reason has always been because I’m afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Its sounds weird, but it’s true. I’ve only ever tried to find the shortcuts. My mind works in a very abstract type of way and in my mind I think I’ve figured it all out. Clearly I have not. The hardest part is not acknowledged, that I’ve done, but where do I start? How do you attempt to find that one 1st step to connect almost 15 years of mistakes. Where does the path begin? It’s very overwhelming when you think about it like this. That to me is the hardest aspect of changing my life and a question I am constantly thinking of and do not have a full solid answer yet.