"Cracked," by Yoda Olinyk

Cracked

When I got the call

When she said head-on collision

When I heard no feeling below his neck

When I got in my car, drove across the country, got there in two days

When I saw a cross on the side of the road with your name on it

When I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed

When I had to wait four days and take two covid tests just to see you

When I finally saw you

When I sat by your bedside and let those machines breathe for you

When I listened to the chug and whirl of the liquid being pumped into your stomach

When they said things like very slim chance and five percent survival rate

When I waited for news that wasn’t the colour of vending machine coffee

When I finished another vending machine coffee

When I called my sponsor every day for eighteen days

When, on the nineteenth day, I didn’t

When I walked into a new meeting in a new city in a new church basement and didn’t say a word

When I drove circles around the liquor store parking lot before going in

When I knew I shouldn’t do this

When I saw no other way

When it burned my lungs going down

When I needed relief so badly

When I fell asleep in the bathtub

When I lied for the next two weeks

When I blacked out and missed them wheeling you into surgery

When you lived

When I celebrated by scoring an eight ball

When I went back to that church for a silver chip

When I cried the whole damn time

When you came to and I had to tell you

When I waited for six months to tell you

When they finally took the tube out of your throat

When I got the call

And heard your voice

And my heart

It just went crack